Down the Rabbit hole
by Mukuro-LeonHeart
Summary: Hi, my name's Coraline-The one I mainly use anyway. I used to be Orochimaru's best friend, then I was Jiraiya, and then I stayed dead for some time, so yeah. I don't think this is quite how reincarnation was supposed to go? I probably won the underworld lottery, because unlike the most of fanfics I read, I Chose to go to Naruto. crackish!plot and sporadic updates
1. Getting reborn and half-assed planning

Introductions...Introductions...Let's do this Naruto style shall we?

Hello, my name is Coraline Kevin Jiang. My hobbies are reading fanfiction and drawing random crap. My likes are day-dreaming about yaoi smut and my dislikes are internet trolls and children. I use either female or male pronouns depending on what I feel like and sometimes I don't feel as if I have a gender (is that what people call genderfluid?)

Also, I am very much an anime lover. A total weaboo, I fangirl all over hot fictional characters, and I am no way proud of where my life is going. My dream was to become a doctor or something. Of course that'll never happen

Since I fucking died.

Yes, I died and no, I am not a total Mary sue as to say "I _don't_ have PTSD and I _don't_ have nightmares about my death!" No, nothing like that. I'd like to think maybe it's because of shock of the fact I'm dead-or that i'm just bottling my feelings up for later-that I'm not already screaming my brain dead head off yet.

One of the questions in your head is probably "Hoe how this happen? How you die?" and that is perfectly fine, my response to that is:

"I don't fucking know, bitch."

Yes, you read (heard?) that right. God or some other sentient asshole probably erased my memories of my death or something because I only remember falling asleep at 4am the last day of school re-reading "Catch your breath" by Lang Noi, and then I woke up to see my dead body looking peacefully asleep. Considering how the main character died in that fanfiction, I'd like to hope my author didn't realize the similarities between our deaths.

How do I know i'm dead and not just dreaming all of this up? Well, last time I checked, people alive don't phase through their bedroom walls like a goddamned ghost. Apparently that's all I'm good for. None of that weird shit in bleach or Yu Yu Hakusho or what-the-flipping-flip-flop ever in anime.

And guess what, ohh look! In a typical fanfiction type of story, something dramatic happens right after the main character (me, probably) dies!

A flash of light to my left, a black portal appeared to my right, and as I look up at the sky preparing to shout 'why me' and hole just goes and poofs up under me. I fall into the Rollercoaster of Rainbows.

My oh-so eloquently put train wreck of thoughts are

 _Fuck_

 _Shit_

 _Author why_

 _You douche_

Honestly the only possible reason I'm cussing out is because my jackass of an author probably didn't know where else to explain why I was (maybe? Probably? Most likely?) Breaking the fourth wall.

Well dear - probable - reader, for the last 3 and a half years I've been reading fanfiction, and there was this particularly interesting point brought up in a story - that I can't remember the name of (it was My heavenly Judgement by Colbub) - that Everything that ever happens, is written in a book, in an other dimension.

And I Freaked the fuck out.

I started doing all this research on wtf dimensions were and shit (translation: I Googled 'what is a dimension' and a version of a definition popped up with a picture of goku from DBS, bet your ass I clicked on it) and I thought 'who says there are only 12 dimensions? There's theory on time travel and the butterfly effect. There could be a different dimension for _Every fucking step I take, to the_ **bathroom**.

All the possibilities.

There could be a dimension that branched out where I ate fish instead of chicken. And then _Another_ dimension from _that_ where I choked on the fish, or another dimension that branched out from **my** dimension and choked on the chicken, and _another fucking_ dimension that branched out from _those-_

Ya, Point is, there are many possibilities that my dying and/or my entire fucking existence could have come from a bored author that had time to write while taking a shit.

And said author probably wasted a page just to get my monologue out while I was falling down a hole and getting slapped by my hair from the wind force.

Yeah

Ok

...

Alright when the fuck am I going to la-

 _Omph-_

Ok _Oww._

What the **_Shit_.**

'Thanks you asshole.' came up in my head. Then comforters and pillows and blankets and _**'** asdfghjkl holy **fuck** **'**_ I was on literal cloud nine. It way more comfortable than any bed I'd've been on. I thought I felt something staring at me so I popped a lazy eye open and made a loud harpy screech. In front of me, was the (A? are there multiple?) fucking Grim reaper.

Billowy black robes of souls, scythe in hand and nothing but a skeletal structure inside from what I can see. The thing was terrifying and I was grateful I didn't piss my pants right then and there. (Then again can ghosts-is that what I am?-even pee? I don't have a physical body after all)

And then it clicked.

My mind did a little melt down when I realized I could never see anyone of my friends again. Mom would probably blame herself and I honestly don't know what dad would do. Hopefully my brother and sister would be fine-they probably would. I never really made an effort to be close them anyway. Cameron would definitely freak, and I guess Squi-chan will be alone now...A cough was heard and I was startled out of my thoughts.

"Your religion?" Its (their?) voice is kind of layered, like Hichigo from bleach, but with a scratchy vibrato to it. I'm suddenly angry, my emotions are out of whack from my apprent death, so I scream at it. ('It' it shall be) "Hey asshole! Why the fuck do you need to know? Where the hell am I?" And God do I sound like an idiot, and I feel like a jackass too, getting mad for no reason. ' _Obviously you're in the underworld dumbass'_ even my thoughts are against me.

None the less it answered, seemingly used to the outraged dead. "So I can properly sort you to your religious belief system. If you are Buddhist then you are reincarnated, on the other hand if you are a type of Christian my friend Jesus will be the one to determine if you go to heaven or hell, and so on and so forth for other religious traditions/belief systems. So, I ask you again Caroline Jiang, what is your religion."

Oh, well at least it answered my question. I waited a moment, thinking my options over.

I didn't know much about the Christian religion, or any other religions for that matter. I've only heard of Hinduism(is there even a 'ism' at the end?) And...do the Jews have their own religion? (Jewish?) I only know about the one Japanese war god "Bishamon" (was that how you spelt it?) Because of 'Noragami' the anime.

My mom and dad who raised me were Buddhist and were very religious, but the only thing I knew about it was that Buddha was a peaceful deity that didn't like war, and believed in reincarnation. Even then my parents kept a few figures of other gods I didn't have a clue what they did or what they stood for. I wasn't even sure Buddha was the peaceful god, was It Ghandi that starved himself to get enlightenment? I didn't fucking know. (Nah, it was Buddha...I think)

Welp the choice was clear, but I had a couple (dozen) of questions to ask.

"Is Jashinism an actual thing? If I am reborn do I have the option to keep my memories? Will I get to choose where I'd be reborn to? Will I get to choose exactly when and where I'd be reborn to? When I die again would I have the option to be reborn again? Could I choose when to die and when to be reborn again? Could I choose to be reborn into an anime or others like TV shows and movies?

Imagine I be reborn into bleach, could be born as kurosaki ichigo? Could I change things, such as prevent his mother's death? Would I be able to ask for power ups and boosts to help me change things?

Would I be able to tell people I'd died and been reborn again? And finally, would I be able to ask you a favor at any given moment after I be reborn again, or at least contact you if I have more questions, like say, texting perhaps?"

I was rambling, I was taking up its time, it had a poker face so I don't know if I was annoying it or not. I was probably asking too many questions. and if it was feeling generous I don't think it caught all the questions to answer them. Oh god was I going to hell for annoying it? Was I keeping it from its job? Of fuckfuckfuck-

It handed me a piece of paper.

...

...

I looked down to see messy handwriting and all of my questions started appearing along with an audio read out.

1\. Yes, if you desire, there is a pamphlet for every religious belief so far, and you are allowed to take as many as you want into your next life.  
2\. Yes.  
3\. It appears to be a yes in the rule book.  
4...  
That wasn't good,it stopped talking and the words stopped popping up. What the fuck happened. I looked up from the paper to see, 'it', reading from a floating stack of papers. Then the voice from the paper started again.  
4\. Yes, as many times as you want.  
5\. Certain things are prohibited, such as being reborn into an infant you of another time line identical to yours.  
6\. Yes, but the rules from question 5 still apply.  
7\. Yes, but you are not allowed to, say, 'cop out' of your role at any time after your birth until your death, again.  
8\. Yes, it is stated that you may be as you please unless your create a duplicate timeline, no tkwo dimensions are allowed to be replicas.  
9\. You may not be, what you humans call "overpowered" such as destroying mountains over a mere glance, but yes.  
10\. The number one rule about the otherworld, don't talk about the underworld to souls not already aware of the underworld. (Don't talk about what comes after death to people who haven't died yet.)  
And at my eleventh question Grim reaper _**Launched**_ itself at me, shaking my entire body and saying "You are always allowed to take any god away from work. Oh my death it is absolutely _Boring_ here-(blah blah blah etc.)

I smiled, and nothing good happens whenever I smiled (only for the readers, cliche just for you guys)

"Alright" I said, "You can stop shaking me now." And to be honest I was a bit weirded out that I was scared shitless but the same "It" a few moments ago when now "it" just seems kinda normal. "I'm Buddhist," I finally answered their question. "and I would like to be born into a dimension exactly like the Canon naruto (shippuden etc.) But don't worry about duplicate timelines,"

I was smirking. I was going to fuck up canon so bad Discoabc was going to be so proud.

"Please send me to be born into a healthy male baby, the same age as Orochimaru the Sannin - also, please make it so I have a good quality laptop, Phone, earbuds and headphones, and a IPad that connects to the Internet from my dimension. And could you get rid of the occasional Dysphoria I feel? It is truly awful. Thank you."

"Oh,and just call me they, I don't really have a gender, my name's Zen." ' _coolio'_ I thought. ' _kinda like Prince Zen from Akagami no Shirayuki-hime'_

 _"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry I didn't ask about that."_ My face was flaming, mortified by my udder rudeness to Zen.

"No, no it's alright," Zen started. "first thing's first, sign here," a contract (dude what the fuck) popped out of thin air "here, and here." I thought since I died I wouldn't have to deal with rules anymore, but none the less I complied. (Even if with a bit of half-hearted grumbling)

 _Blah blah blah_ health _blah blah blah_ secrecy of the underworld to live beings _blah blah blah_ **under no circumstances is there to be two identical dimensions, sub-universes, timelines, and/or souls of agreement.** _Blah blah blah_ burned alive where you stand _blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda_

I signed at the correct spots, and then fucking chains came out of nowhere and grabbed onto me. ' _Okay,_ _just stay calm you read this in the compulsonary of the agreement.'_ oh heeyyy! There was my rational thinking! I knew I had it somewhere!

" **Do you, Jiang, accept the responsibilities of a soon to be reincarnated soul, and understand that if you violate the contract your soul is to be destroyed."**

Ohh~ spooky voice, cool. Welp, this was my last chance to back out, but did I raelly need to think it over?...Nahh. "I do accept your world's terms and conditions." I made sure my voice was loud and confident. I felt giddy, and childish, I never make such _important_ decisions while alive, I think I sorta liked being dead better!

" **Very well then. Goodbye for now, Jiang."**

Damn was that cool. The Chains disappeared but I knew they were connected to my soul, ready to burn me if I did anything wrong. Honestly whoever made the chains had my respect, they looked pretty bad ass, they were comfortable, and from what I could tell, fully functional.

Zen voice snapped me out of my musing. "OKAY! Now, about your rebirth, was there anything else you wanted beside your memories, a male body, your dysphoria gone, and some electronics before you leave?" It was a serious question, but I couldn't help laugh at my **(not so innocent)** thoughts ' _sure! A ten inch black dildo with a matching sex slave!'_

What I said out loud was a bit more serious answer. "..Well, can you make me look as androgynous as possible? Kinda of like Deidara from the Akatsuki, or Haku from the Wave mission. And I'd like to be at least a _little_ ice powers like Jack frost? " Admittedly, I was petty as hell, and a little obsessed with haku. I could ask for more powers in my later lives anyway, no need to be OP.

I think (?) Zen smiled, it was hard to tell with only bones in my line of vison. "Sure short stack!" ' _he sounds like Lavi from DGM'_ "Alright, everything you need is going to be in a pocket dimension that only you (and me, obviously) have access to. Just open it when you need it okay? Bite your right ring finger (literally just bite it, you don't need to draw blood) and draw a triangle in the air, then poof! A vault only you can see and touch. My number is already going to be in your phone along with some of my friends, so don't be a pansy and call often okay? Bye now!" Zen waved, and I mirrored them. (All of this seemed strangely familiar, wasn't this a tumblr prompt I saw on Instagram or something?)

I stiffened, and screamed. My vision went to black and my body was on _fire._ **'** _ **What the fuck'**_ was being repeated in my mind while I grasped for air.

 _Fuck you author_

 _Why_

 _It hurts_

 _Fuck shit fuck_

 _My eyeballs are going to be squeezed out of my head-_

Wait, _squeezed?_ Am I being _born?_ The pain made sense now, along with the screaming I heard that _definitely_ wasn't me. And when did everything go black?

 _owww_

 _Fuuuuck_

' _okay'_ I told myself. ' _relax and don't make this harder for the both of us.'_ and whoowee, did that make it more bearable. I slipped right out. _'magiiiic'_ heh heh. Wow, it was really cold now that I wasn't being pushed out of my new mother. I could feel gigantic hands and fluffy things (' _towels'_ my mind supplied.) Covering me with gentle care.

"DEphile kikners wazitS"

…

…

What the fuck was that.

What.

That was not Japanese.

That was not English.

That was not Spanish, French, or Chinese-that was not relatively close to any fucking language I've heard of on Earth.

 **What the fuck was that.**

Then my mind said 'r _emember, different world, different evolution of languages'_ Hello rational thoughts! I missed you. THat explained things. And while I was mulling over what they said, the nurse holding me must have carried me over to my new mother, cause I was suckling on something now. ' _that is going to be very weird very quickly'_

I fell asleep, my baby form tired by all the new experiences I was having, and a vague sense that I forgot something incredibly important.

.

* * *

 _._

 _'Being a baby is boring'_ was becoming a normal thing to think everyday.

My hormones were shitty, so I cried over the littlest things and got mad fairly quick.

I discovered baby's eyesight _were_ actually pretty bad so I had to wait, like, maybe a month before I could see what my parents looked like. I woke up, cried, took a shit, and fell asleep again. I felt partly guilty towards my (now) parents for having to take care of me so I tried to stay as quiet as I could. That back fired though, with my new semi ice powers my body temperature was a constant 43 Fahrenheit (6.1 Celsius) _'Killer Frost 2.0! Haha!'_ Which drove the two crazy, thinking I had been dead every time I took a nap. Annoying for the first year of my life because when I tried to sleep they just jostl d me awake again, or that first time they took me to the hospital.

When I finally got my vision back I took a full look around me. Scanning my surroundings as much as I could. (No more glasses, haha!) My mother took my breath away, she was beautiful. Simple as that. Brown hair that cascaded softly on her pale skin,and silver shining eyes with an elegant oval face. She was also quiet, soft spoken. She was good mother. But dad on the other hand, not such a good father, though he tried his best. It was funny to see his tanned, strong calloused hands fumble with the baby formula. He was pretty crappy at trying to feed me whilst also holding me. (It wasn't that hard god dammit! Don't fucking drop me again!)

It was pure luck and chance I even got relatively close to a mirror and saw my new self. Man was I _Ugly!_ Tuffs of hair were sticking out in odd weird angles, my skin was a bad shade of tan to compliment anything, and my eyes were kinda off at certain angles. My left eye was red and fucking bigger than my right purple one, they weren't even Symmetrical _'I disgrace you death the kid.'_ (that was normal apparently, the color thing. When I asked mom why I didn't have the same color as her or dad, she said it was a normal reaction on some people because of the way chakra affected the DNA in our blood. I was huge on science stuff in my past life and I guess it passed over because I was struggling not a to find Danzo-a guy I hated-and get on my knees to ask for research materials.) On anyone else I guess it would've looked hot but it looked so _wrong_ on me. My nose was crookedly angular to add.

I loved my new parents, really I did, but I _hated_ the way they interacted with each other. Mother would get just a bit stiff with her body language, and Father would get this Look in his eye. This wasn't a family, this was two adults who clearly loved their child, and had no feelings for the other. I couldn't tell whether I was an accident, or my newly appointed mom and dad were in an arranged marriage. They held no love for each other. But it was okay, they didn't fight or get into bad habits(drinking, drugs, suicide missions every day, etc.)-they tolerated each other, and they both loved me, so it was okay as selfish as it sounded.

.

* * *

.

When I first saw a book in my room, I was one (well,seven and a half months but who's counting?), and I cried and shouted and screamed, eventually mom and dad figured figured wanted to learn what what the magical square full of weird squiggly lines were.

But then Rational thought came back to haunt me. ' _War, Sanin, death, field promotions, **get to** Orochimaru'_

How the absolute _fuck_ did I forget about the Shinobi _Wars._ There was a _reason_ for me to choose _this **fucking** particular time period._ ' _That's okay, everything is perfectly fine, I need to make a list of what to do first.'_

And I did just that.

1\. Learn to write in their gibberish language.

2\. Ask mom and dad what village we live in and permission to train (and train anyway if they say no)

3\. Find and befriend the sanin, particularly Orochimaru

4\. If I live to this, and I haven't gotten to _Danzo_ yet, prevent Obito Uchiha's death

Despite what people thought of Orochimaru, I wasn't scared of him, it was actually _Danzo_ who was manipulating everyone behind the scenes. Even then, they both had a reason for doing the thungs they did. I'm not saying they're  Not to blame for their actions, but they certainly had a reason for how they turned out the way they did. I knew this because the first time I got my new phone out, I just studied up on most of the main characters in Naruto.

Orochimaru, was picked on as a child for his strange looks and love for literature during a time of war, because who had time read when you could train to protect the village. Who was scorned and _hated_ , and did experiments as a way to block out the whispers behind his back and glares on his neck when it became _to much_ to hold in his emotions. Because showing _emotion_ only got him hit harder from his bullies and sharper words from his tormentors _sneering_ how his weak crying and sniveling would only get him killed one day. Who never had the family to tell him about "right" or "wrong" or _why_ "killing" and "torturing" his live test subjects wasn't something someone should do even though it could help them win the war, and that _"they were going to die anyway weren't they?"_ Who was never told _"You matter"_ or " _I believe in you."_

It was horrifying really, what he had to deal with. I, a civilian for most of my life, sheltered by strict parents, had nothing to compare with what he dealt with his entire life. It was going to be hard to get used to it, and I hoped I would never find shinobi life fun. I hope I would never have to turn into what Kakashi turned into, or Sasuke or even _Sai._ He was probably the worst of the bunch.

.

* * *

.

I'm three now, and life is good. I learned how to write, I am great in almost all forms of martial arts in my old world, even adding in my ice abilities, (chakra, a blessing) and I found out the names of my parents. My mother, her name before the marriage was Onizuka Haruka. My dad's name, was Nanase Kaoru. (Huzzah huzzah civillian born parents!. I wasn't born in a clan, no stiffy traditions for me!)

Imagine that, I had Nanase Haruka as my parents. You could imagine my crying laughing face when I found out. That was the one time I'd said ' _love you too author bitch'_ and honestly, I felt like I had Ranma from Ranma ½ as my parents. They both had bits and pieces of their personality mixed in that just felt like _they_ were the main characters of an anime.

On my birthday party though, ( _ **oh god why)**_ they asked me if I wanted a sibling, ( _ **so much regret**_ ) I said yes. When I woke up to go pee I saw them on the couch and screamed. ( _ **They said they were making my little sibling oh god)**_ they mistakenly thought I was terrified that dad was killing my mom, so they stopped and put me to bed. ' _ **fuck you author'**_ was being droned all through the night and I couldn't go team sleep. I heard them continuing until six in the morning ' _ **fuckohgodI'mgoingtobescarredforlifefuckauthorwhy'**_

Six months later when I finally blocked the incident in my mind and found brain bleach, they announced mom was going to have twins. I cried all night. _And then_ I over heard dad laughing with his friends about _'The Incident.'_ I'd never in my two lives felt more mortified then I was then.

On another note, my list was almost completed! Surprisingly, five months into my training Orochimaru was the one who approached me. Something which I was eternally grateful for, because I had no idea how to contact him, or any of the sanin for that matter. His voice startled me while in the middle of a punch. I didn't notice him in the clearing I used for training.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but do you think you could help me with my form? I can never get it right with only books." I looked over at him, and fell. ' _Author bitch why you make me so sucky, why.'_

He was _cute_ , and _young_ , he was _adorable_ _._ Sweet, sweet Orochimaru was nothing like the ruthless traitor he would become. I stood up up, smiled, and said "Dude, Imma guy." While walking towards me he tripped and fell, and struggled not to squeal like a pig _._ I chuckled in a childish manner and continued.

"But sure, just show me what you're trying to do." internally I thought to myself ' _thank you internet research and practice' (_ by then my skills were _okay_ in most of the martial arts in the my old world. Chakra was a _miracle,_ and _facinating_.)

We became close friends over the course of months. I warded off the glares whenever we went to his house, and trained with hime, whilst he taught me things I would never be able to find in any book from the Konohagakure public library. Both mom and dad from this world loved him the instant I met him. I discovered that day that gay relationships were far more common than from when I previously was living on past life Earth, and that my parents thought we looked good together, they gave me an idea.

In smerchjehakwz (their version of October, don't even ask how I could pronounce the words either) we celebrated his birthday alone, just the two of us. I got him snake earrings and the snake summon contract (which I literally tripped on in the woods, just my luck) and he looked like he was about to cry. Turns out he never got any presents for his birthday, even at the orphanage. I'm starting to like Konoha less and less the more I read and hear about it.

.

* * *

.

I'm four, and I'm going to be dead within the next four years. _**I didn't know shit about the Naruto timeline.**_

I looked up the timeline on my all might super mega cool future computer of awesomeness, and Kishimoto is basically a twelve year old girl who can draw bad fanfiction to life _._ The manga shows sporadic aging and I knew there was a reason I quit the anime. Kishimoto was just creating continuity error after continuing error when he did Shippuden and drowned the world with filler episodes (although the ep where they revealed Kakashi's face was gold) The only thing I could get on this time was that the Sannin team was created when they were four.

I'm four, and I screwed the world way to early by doing nothing.

I'm four, and so fucked. But you know what? Duck it.

I'll ducking wing it.


	2. Peeps, why

I rewrote chapter 1, again. You should probably read it but I just changed Caroline's character personality a bit, nothing major.

Sorry about such a long wait, only for a short chapter, I didn't really have motivation for this one chapter. You can probably tell the the ending is forced. Again, sorry.

DISCLAIM TO THE ANIME AND ANY REFERENCES MADE.

* * *

A loud resounding _Boom!_ woke me out of my sleep. I could feel tremors of the tail-end of an earthquake, and the sounds of the Yugakure plates my new mom oh so loved, crashing to the ground. There was a noise outside I could hear through the glass of my window, I could barely make out what it was, but I did, and I panicked

 _All civilians, evacuate the area immediately, we are under attack._

 _All civilians, evacuate the area immediately, we are under attack._

There were heavy footsteps thumping, moving in the direction of my room. I fumbled out of my futon and onto my wooden floorboards. Protocal for children was to hide in the underground tunnels until the fight was over, or until a Jonin removed any debris that could've been blocking our escape route. But the groggy sensation left over from my previous activities (sleeping) left me slow, I had no choice but to be still and ready to escape-less they find out about the tunnels.

The door slammed open, revealing four Shinobi with _Iwa_ forehead protectors. Luckily for me, I could at least dodge and run away, a skill I picked up training with Orochimaru for so long. I tripped one of them and ran under another. The other two were at the door, ready with kunai at hand. I ran straight ahead to the door behind them, middle of the two. Once I got close enough I slid away from a cloud of shuriken coming at me, jumped in between them, and attempted-key word there, _attempted_ -to do a split in mid air while kicking both in the head. I failed spectacularly, landing on my ass half way out the door.

But A sharp pain at the base of my neck, then I presumably blacked out, but not before seeing a bunch of red down the hall.

.

* * *

.

It couldn't have been more than a few minutes after I lost consciousness. When I open my eyes I'm standing straight as a rod in my room. I saw something moving to my left so I turned and (guess!)

...

...

...

Three of the four Iwa-nin that attacked me laying on the ground mutilated beyond recognition, only a few scraps of clothes clinging to bloodied flesh. My new body with a Kunai sticking out of my neck. A woman getting undressed and drenched in blood. Said woman undressing my body.

' _All things considered I think I'm taking this pretty well.'_ Ran through my head, as I watched the **_creature_** defile my toddler body. ' _huh'_ it was now running it's tongue down my (dead) body, humming appreciatively, and palming my (now slowly rotting baby) dick. ' _guess I'm dead._ '

I took a deep breath

and screamed.

A portal opened under me, I had no reason to stick around and watching that _abomination_ make work with my now dead and gone life so I just let my-now that I think about it, am I just a spirit, or do I have a body like in Bleach?- I just fell.

I landed on a huge fluffy marshmallow this time (ha, heaven for Byakuran) but instead of excitement from my very first battle, I curled up in a ball and cried. A blanket appeared wrapped around me and Zen phased into existence beside me, holding a warm of steaming hot chocolate out. For being a 6'10 tall skeleton with a scythe, Zen was strangely comforting. The weight of my choice to die and be reborn again, and die again, and again, _and again,_ didn't seem so cool anymore.

I heard a quiet snap _,_ and I wasn't drowning in my own tears anymore. There was a tissue box and a bin not to far from my left so I blew my nose and stood up. ' _This isn't a game'_ and then I laughed ' _How cliche'_ **Of course** this is a game, I could do anything I wanted and still come back from the dead. Who cared if I died if I could just be born in the same timeline? Zen was next to me, smiling (? Again, Zen is a bone structure with black cloth covering it, I couldn't tell it's expressions from one and another) as if reading my thoughts.

"Hey hey, Byaku-pyon? Why didn't you just be born as Oro-chin? Wouldn't it have been easier to be him rather than going through the extra effort of befriending him and potentially making enormous ripples through time?" (Zen was also a- a very _enthusiastic_ individual.)

"Okay, One, Byaku-pyon? I know who Oro-chin is but _why?_ Two, I thought it'd be fun being friends with the _Snake_ Sanin instead of the _Toad_ Sage or the _Slug_ princesses _._ Three, well, I wanted to be able to say 'I was friends with a Sanin! Not the drunk, or the wayward pervert, but the genius scientist who, ahem, 'wanted an Uchiha's body no matter the age'." I couldn't help it, it was funny! Even if a bit twisted with the humor.

Zen fucking giggled. A giggle from a god of death with billowing black robes and a gigantic fucking scythe should not giggle and sound cute. "Well, what now? I'm honestly surprised you lasted as long as you did, but now you're dead again, wheredo you want to 'go' now?" They completely ignored my first question, ass.

I tried not to be offended by his remark, but their words stung a little. I could survive longer than _Four_ couldn't I? Regardless I already had a back up plan for this particular scenario. (Well, not exactly a back up plan, I didn't even have a plan A) "I want to be born in the same timeline I was in, with everything I had from before-ice powers, born around the same time as 'Oro-chin' etc. but maybe a female body this time? Having seduction lessons could be nice-but..could you make me a bit...more-..attractive?" The eye coloring was nice though, but I could do without.

Zen clapped, "Yes yes, you mortals and your looks, honestly you could have been born a Yamanaka if your personality didn't interfere." I blinked, me? A Yamanaka? That didn't sound half bad actually, mental torture was something I could get into! _'Were you not crying hysterically not half a minute ago just by your violent death?'_ Sane thoughts, just go away Yeah? No need to be a debbie downer.

.

* * *

.

Ah, I forgot I had to be born again.

That meant I had to be pushed out of a women's (my new _new_ mother) again.

That meant that me, a watermelon sized human had to come out of my momma's ass-the size of a quarter if I was lucky.

That meant I was essentially going through a meat grinder. (Oh boy, the mother though, oww)

This fucking sucks.

But blegh, I actually have strategize this time around if I want to last longer than Four years. (Like, actually _plan._ That previous lifetime was a rush job and I failed spectacularly. But I'm to _lazy_ and _dumb_ for this shit, If only I had a Nara as a friend.) I have to train my body, again. Fucking hell. And I have to hope I was born in Konoha again too, I keep forgetting to ask Zen about that. Oh, and how the _hell_ do I open my safe? Was it bite my left pinky finger? Or break my right thumb? I'd figure it out later.

First, I have to get a journal (or multiple) and write everything I know down about the point in Time of Naruto, because I've got the attention span of a goldfish and I need to plan things out or everything will just be a major flop again.

Second, I figure out how to open my safe again.

Third, make a plan with any information I have on the Naruto verse.

Fourth, actually try to follow that plan.

Fifth and most importantly, don't die before 50. (Is that when Shippuden ends? Jiraya looked as old as Haruzen, if not older. Tsunade had the diamond thing and Orochimaru had that...body transfer thing)

...Oh boy, bumpy ride here I come.

.

* * *

.

 _Where am I? There's nothing around me and I can't see anything but blackness. A dream? No, I already bit my thumb, I tasted my blood and felt the pain, I'm not sleeping. There's something around my neck, warm, comforting. I'm not standing on anything, where am I?_ _The thing around my neck suddenly tightens. I can't breath-I have to get it off. Why can't I rip it off? Shit it's getting tighter-I can't-_

 _I lurch up from bed, it was a dream after all huh? I lay back down on my bed, calming. A few moments after I close my eyes there's an unmistakable smell of something burning. I open my eyes-MY BED'S ON **FIRE**?! I can't run, I can't feel my body, I can't get away, and as I feel my body burn, I see two glowing red eyes on the door. I'm on fire and I'm going to die. Funny, because only a year ago-_

 _I fall of the couch screaming in horror, a sweaty blanket follows me and bunches me up into a burrito. Am I still dreaming? The first time this happened I felt pain from biting my thumb, so how was I supposed to tell if I was still asleep? I try to get up but my body is paralyzed. There's a menacing sound of footsteps running down the hall, and a women in a Naruto Kunoichi outfit is in front of me. What was this crazy cosplaying weaboo doing in my house?_

 _She unravels the blanket,and strips me bare. What the fuck? I'm still paralyzed, unmoving under her gaze. She reaches between my legs, simultaneously taking off her Iwa garments. There are three dead bodies behind her and I start freaking out. She's molesting me! She's going to rape me! No! Stop! Get me **out of here!**_

Someone's shaking me, my eyes are closed and I scream for them to get away from me. Another person joins in and grabs me from behind effectively pinning me. I'm thrashing because _who the fuck are these people?!_ Someone's screaming for me to open my eyes but I don't want to see her again! Why won't they leave me _alone?!_ It takes me a few moments to stop struggling, and the two people sigh in relief. Should I know them? I take a quick peek at where the general direction of the sounds are coming from.

Two men, roughly around the age of 30, are slumped over each other in a weary manner. I remember now, these two are my parents! I was reborn, there's a fucking skeleton as my friend, I died again, and my old body was raped while I was dead.

My Name is Nishijima Kohana. I'm 4, friends with Orochimaru, and Konoha's resident prankster mistress. I have teal eyes, brown hair, and I died. I was 13 in my original life, 4 in my second, and right now I'm 4 which makes 21 in total. (Holy fuck?!) I have 2 dads and a surrogate mother who all love me dearly. I am an only child with a habit of having terror inducing nightmares. Speaking of which-

" **Alright!** _ **That is it!** _ I've had it! Tomorrow you, me, and your papa are going to see a Yamanaka first thing in the morning! Honey you can go ahead to bed, I'll get the sleeping pills for ko-chan alright?" And that, was pops. He was the Dan of the Dan and Phil relationship that my dads were. Honestly, if I saw that _exact same_ spooky t shirt _one more time-_

 _"_ Down the hatch sweetie. Then go straight back to bed alright honeybunch?" The nicknames! I swear! Regardless I nodded and took the prescription, no more dreams, huzzah huzzah!

I've been having these dreams for well over months now, and they kept progressing into more detailed visions than just simple nightmares. I theorized my brain was compensating for my lack of memories of my first death, by coming up with ways I could've died. Yesterday I was drowning in a flood with more rain sucking me down. A plausible reason, considering I couldn't swim then.

My eyes start drooping and I fall asleep tiredly.

.

* * *

.

I'm nudged awake by my pops and papa is holding out a toothbrush for me. Awesome I'm going to be meeting with a Yamanaka! I know what you none existent viewers are thinking, "'what if they find out about your death!? You know your soul is going to incinerated if they find out about what happens after they die right? What are you doing you crazy prepubescent bitch?'"

Peeps, I'm going to die anyway, might as well see a reaction when they find out. This was a pretty boring dimension and I want to start over. Turns out I was born in the 'Road to ninja' movie. Trust me when I say it's not as interesting as you'd think it'd be. Everything is peachy and uneventful. I could kill who ever was snooping in my mind with a mental link, I found out how to _make_ an inner! That thing Sakura had pre Shippuden.

I black out as soon as I walk out the door.


End file.
